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Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
4:30 am - yo
hi journal. whats shaking?

wow new years. what a eventful day and along with that another goosebumpy feeling of ringing in the new year full of hopes and certian desires which i know will be not as puasiant tomorrow but oh well i made them so theres no backing down, cuz thats like giving into the pleasure ego. My new years resolution is to let my super ego take charge and utilize whats best for my well being, which might include going to a full time college and getting a job pertaining to graphic design, there will always be school, and there will always be band, so i might as well establish as much credibility for myself as i can, and theres no ham in that! staying in school rocks.
tonight i just spent the most amazing night with my friends and my best Girl friend Paige Davis Nichols who i had just a fun time with tonight. I cant get enough of her. I realize tonight (our 2 year aniversary) that i am always goign to keep her around and i dare not let anything come between us. I love her to death and she better be ther...we have come this far and now its all out....ness...i look foward to the future even as unsetteling as it may be...who know? throughout the good and the bad as long as paige nicholas and my best frieds are around (aka. band) then i am in place let there be nothing to ruin the moment or breach the feeling i have for them now. happy new year. embrace your fidelity and make eneds meet the same way tonight did. love nicholas.

PS im really drunk so pardon teh spelling errors.

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Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
10:04 am - wednesdays...
Wow ok im so taking a break right now from building my portfolio site...which should be up soon. I just added all my photography submissions and now im trying to cram a all night FTP lesson so i can get all this stuff of mine onto the actual web.

Im also making a new layout for the Nopo page, but every time i think i get somewhere i always erase countless hours of work because i know i can do better. Sometimes i hate being a perfectionist. I also hate not being a perfectionist with things that dont apply to me. Rarrr im working on that though.

Recording date is friday so at least my week will be topped of with some good productivness..bahh im going to eat lunch now.

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Thursday, September 12th, 2002
11:27 pm - screaming at motorists
Wow today i got a lot dont. I finished the Final proof of my Evergreen Brochure i had to design and format from school. It will go in my portfolio once my macromedia instructor Josh teaches me FTP and i can put it up on the web for now. His website Joshkolin.com has good design ethics. I need to make a portfolio site soon. After i get my associates degree from Gibbs and finish stressin i will have to work hardcore so i can get a cozy place in D.C and metro places. Ill save on Gas money and everything will be close by. I can take pictures on rooftops and stay out till the stays come out.

Band practice was cool. We are coming up with all this crazy shit. Sometime we think certain parts dont fit it, but who the hell cares. I think Originality is the key we musnt give in to the musical stereotype of what your brain 'expects'

Tomorrow im going to see this band called 'the used' play at the 9:30 club in the city. I cant wait. I am also going with Paige Davis Nichols which make matter 110% more exciting. I havent seen her in like two weeks and i can wait for her smell. I expect it will settle my week. Even though nothings ever settle with her. She talks a lot and keeps things moving. I can always count on her to add spashes of color to a greyscale gradient week. White to Black sometimes it hurts. Go Paige. I miss her.

sleeping is cool
clentching pillows...
GOODNIGHT NEVERLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Monday, September 9th, 2002
9:44 pm - chicken saag walla
...ahh theres so much porn in my mailbox. All that shait costs money anyway.

i just had indian food. Im so stuffed. Mom and i talked about cats and how my dog Max can somehow break into my room in the middle of the night and get under the covers with me. Need a better lock I guess.

Im really stressing with school and my portfolio.
Gibbs was really laid back the first two quarters but i guess nothing gold can stay.....right!?
Right.

The Seven Zero Three festival that everybody had been "anticipating" really blew ass to the extreme.
They funny thing is i was skeptical about this whole shit since day one and everyone was like "give it a chance". This was the chance that would or wouldn't prove me wrong. They totally dicked our band on sound. The only band that had semi-decent sound was the last three bands. Big surprise. The security treated all of us plus my friends like goat shit that was shitted on by some animal that dosen't deserve to live. Ill be damn if sevenzerothree is ever going to make the scene better like they claimed.
i wish i could direct but never be the leader of something like this. Im not for sure on this and im really not the conceded type but the music atmosphere surrounding us needs direction, indeed, but it also needs simplicity. The only thing that matters is how much word is spread. If there is a great show put on. Easy rules. Zines. good distro. something for everyone. and a chill night with good people. Then they will go home and talk about it. It all sparks from there.

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Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
9:37 pm - the saddest day
Tonight was the first night of Grief Therapy.
Mom, Grandma and i went. I didn`t want to go, i knew that it could do one of two things. One- it could put me down again and make me forget about the recent bursts of happiness that have made me "move on", or two it could actually help.

There was an average size group (eight to nine people) according to the leaders of "Haven". The room was filled with tears and stories of death. One lady lost her best friend in the Flight that hit the pentagon. One womans mother got hit by a bus on my birthday (january 29) and on top of that her bi-polar brother committed suicide a few months after. One lady lost her mother and her son due to old age and a sudden heart attack. We had to go around the room and share our stories. Then it was my turn.

Being as emotionally stable as I am, I was thinking i wouldn't cry in front of all these complete strangers who were balling their eyes out almost to the point where you couldn't make out any sense from them anyway. But being in a free, non-judgmental enviroment and expressing my view on the loss of Randy, it felt ok, and id rather do it there than infront of my friends. I think the worst i get is when i place myself in my mothers shoes. She lost her soul mate, she lost her best friend. Even though Randy's gone shes still madly in love with him.
The director said i was Brave to tell our story. Ive never been called brave before.

After me tangeting of on how angry i felt about the carelessness of the young man who hit us, i was handed a thick pamphlet entitled "dealing with Anger during bereavement" 'Anger' was the only word capitalized and there was a picture of a beach. Im not going to read it.

I wish i was fine, but the events of my saddest day are still crystal clear in the front of my head and will always be as if it were just yesterday. I guess im a lot like my mother in a way that we don't wear our hearts on our sleeve (as Paige would say) and you would never know that it still hurts up front and personal. It does. But i can only save it for myself. No one but my Mom will understand, and its hard telling people about it and bringing it up again. I prefer not talking about it with Paige because I get the biggest kick out of making her smile and bringing up 'issues' is not something i ever want to lay down on her. Even though she says its ok. Im nothing but happy with her anyway, why dampen the mood...( i really hope shes not reading this)

Everyone talks about 'Closure' and how it is incumbent that My Mom and I find it. "You need to move on" or "It was his time."
Well in my mind i believe that death presents itself something as tragic and unbalancing. It messes with your inner self and toggles with emotions, but i dont think Death can ever have closure and why the fuck would i want it anyway. Memories of Randy is all we have why seek an end to something that will never be forgotten. I know i don`t want closure but i do want to stop saying to myself, "what if i had taken that other road...." thats all i really want.

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Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002
11:23 pm - entonces...
why does the weather fool you all the time...

I go out this morning little chilly. Kinda shivering with my black coffee, battling out the evil commute. A thermos in one hand and a disk chosen from my book ive meticulously picked to entertain me. It always take me so long to figure out what will suit my morning mood which is usually so laborious and cold.

by luch time i run across the street to grab a bite and its summer again. I had on this cool black jacket that i thought i needed. I didn't take it off though. I wanted to stand out and capture the warmth. My school is always pumping the A.C like there's Polar bears hibernating in the I.T room.

Nap time was disrupted but the Networking men who hooked us up with more Cable connection, and Wes and Ryan configuring Wes's Multi effects board so he can wail and play guitar like Mike E. from incubus. He used to remind me of him before he cut all his hair off..."I told you to shave those sideburns you hippie!" ..haha

Practice went ok. I just wish we could be technical and diverse with our music rather than being LOUD AND HEAVY all the time. I dont think the guys get it. But Screaming your soul till its literally at your teeth and not there anymore isn't exactly calming. I also think we can express ourselves just as equal is if we were writing softer parts (WITHIN THE HEAVY) that could be just as musically creative. What catches my attention is when i hear something Loud, Puissant, and NUTS and all of a sudden slow, lagging ..FAT AGAIN...SO FAST ...MENTAl.........soft.....sweeping..barely a sound. I wish we could be better musicians and compose that into something organized but still crazy. One day ill write an album by myself. Yes. A dream. I must pursue this now..soon. Ill show em.

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Monday, September 2nd, 2002
1:13 pm
why does oasis rule.
i cant stop listening to them.
I think people look at me as "Heavy Metal" guy RA RA RA. and dont get me wrong its some of the best stuff out there. But then again i know what sounds good and i figure i have to let music flow with me sometimes rather than flow through me. I don't like not being able to put forth my fullest attention because theres music in the backround that im taking apart it really does suck sometimes and people get mad and think i have severe A.D.D...but who doesn't.

Its labor day and 1:17 i think im going to get a bagel and hopefully get tickets to "the used" with my dear friend Paige Nichols who always provides good times. Even more on drizzly rainy days in the city. I love her madly, even though i know she will never understand how i feel about her. I hope she calls after i return from my bagel trip. im always to nervous to call her. I dont know why. I think its because im scared of messing things up.

bagel.

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Sunday, September 1st, 2002
5:49 pm - glorified by what is ours.
wow Ryan and chris came over last night. We were going to have band practice but mom was cleaning the room with all of Randy's belongings in it. We didn't want to make her deaf even though she loves our music to the fullest and supports us all the way. I love my Mom.

Chelsea, Ryan, Chris, and i went and saw FeardotCom and it was actually really good. I haven`t seen a horror film like that in awhile it was good stuff.

Ryan and i got home at 1am and decided our night was not yet completed and took it to the extreme and went out and played Mailbox baseball!! Ryan drove and i took my dog Maxwell. It was so intense i cant describe it you will just have to go out one night and try it. ITs just harmless fun.

current mood: complacent

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Saturday, August 31st, 2002
6:02 pm
i just got this new Archos Jukebox. www.archos.com
it can hold 300 hours of mp3, its holds video and can serve as my protable back up hard drive!.

i just talked to this girl Paige too that was fun. *wink

our show last night felt too good to be true.
people In Annapolis rule and they started a big mosh pit that i wanted to dive in.
I kicked a hole in the wall during "two roses in flames" and we got payed more than we did last time we played there.

Fun stuff. Ryan and i ate cheese pizza in front of our vegan friend Paulee.

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Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
3:05 am
across from bridges.
cobblestone. canals and narrow passage ways.
as we add alight to tonight

many moods to marvel false attire
truly gazed and gone, gambled soft admire
maybe a thousand lights would stop this heart before it could speak and of any
words that you call out to shout out in three second bursts

let you in just like the scent you own that puts me down and sure maybe you`ll always have something to say tell your stare its everything i read you loud and clear

and this talk of blindness
must continue on these city corners carefully while crossing over canals
i don`t know how you put up with me
so maybe run across to the first of all the fireworks

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Sunday, May 19th, 2002
10:50 am - 5-18-02 (chili cook-off)
.crosshatched and engraved in everything about your formal ballroom white.
the scent you own drives me up deco skyscrapers i search for at night.
this time not alone but i wish there were pictures.
itching the shutter for snapshots i trigger

as long as you thread your fingers through mine
there will never be a last time in my mind
cuz you told me you`d stay
and im curious to know
everything and anything
that you'd have to say

urban outings, retreat back to your ways
influenced in small proportions at lardge
sharp bites through arms when i return home
we call upon to shy for now....

while all was at dance
it's hard to admit that love is at hand
open and willing while shaking the bites oracle
meet by our lake
let's hope for a miracle

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Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
9:44 pm - .xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
.....softer green shoes misplaced on purpose in the middle of this hardwood
floor.
just outside
the blackened bay. less detail
you stay inside
avoid my trail
this mail in my box
better be from you
this is exactly what i saturate myself in when you're not near
you wearing me
where i want to be
over and over
to be kissed by a bird
tossing and turning
losing your smell
come early morning
patient petals preserve this passionate pace...

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Monday, May 6th, 2002
10:52 pm - ....10:52
ill try to update my journal better starting now....


sometimes sheets get too cold but isn't it awesome when you wake up saturday mornings and you move your legs around just a bit to reach untouched cold (but cozy) spots, that just put you back to sleep for another hour.....
.days i miss you most.

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Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
3:00 pm
but i imagined always running after you
most undeserving always and i know ive missed you first



dark deco covered walls
simplicity and form
here for me
a thriving harbor echos

you deserve to be here

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Friday, April 19th, 2002
4:17 pm
but know that i adore you
and were piecing together the impossible
nights are always perfect with all your imperfections

waiting....
for someone who has already captured a piece of the glory
no ones ever done that before..*

you.

words just dont exist with these feelings

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Sunday, April 7th, 2002
12:44 am - merrr
trees you drive by
never meant so much to me
there aren't many in a city
dreams serve your eye lashes,
nightlights. and someone to hold onto
showcase hallway to your honest lips,
take me around town.
to bad Arlington's
out of my way.
still you have everyone's thread
laughter reached further
while you miss them
always you come back to them
always you address
these formal letters
never felt so much better
scripts for the scene
you and me
killing me
all worth your matching brown eyes
being my storybook ending
fight past tempting hours
view everything around
were taking all as ours

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Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
12:44 pm - misc
but my arms can stretch to arlington

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Sunday, March 31st, 2002
9:50 pm
i rub off the leftover drying oils on old guitar strings.
everytime i see the sprinkels illuminate itself under lights i remember the first time a saw it. hanging on display at "Classic Axe Guitars" in mansassas. good day. i knew from first glance that i just had to have this guitar for some reason. i didn`t even play it yet. I just had that feeling...ya know. clothes/books/etc. infront of me in this small/cozy shop there was a piece of my life that was previously missing that i just couldnt pass it up, under any circumstances.
I was doing really well actually on the whole YOUR GONE lil bump in the road we got going here and i was occupying myself well indeed. (shows,old friends, chirs and his gayness, randy is over, new tile! lil fiesta but chris instigated it)
all was well untill i gazed at "Sprinkles" and everything lit up with you. i miss you paige. please come back soon....
YOU THINK YOUR SO COOL HUH CUZ YOUR IN FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HUH? FOR EASTER SPRING BREAK AND &#%@*% rihgt? jerkette ....yea? well...SOOO i got "joy ride" DVD/cadberry creme eggs/vanilla amber incense/jolyrancherjelybeans/earpluggs Easter Basket Biatch! WHAT DID YOU GET HUH? HUH? HUH?

hey paige do you think you can be a pal and correct this for me...uhhhh its for. uhhh Im teaching someone spanish...thats it
*Estoy muy nervioso con pajaro pero me encontalo*
(i am very nervous with bird but i love it)
merci
consider yourself with a plethora of hints that i wans`t supposed to share with you i think ignoring "my team" is the only thing that makes me brave enough to....

yours truely
and most undeserving

nick-0-less

current mood: blank

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9:50 pm
i rub of the leftover drying oils on old guitar strings.
everytime i see the sparkels light up under light i remember the first time a saw it. hanging on display at "Classic Axe Guitars" in mansassas. good day. i knew from first glance that i just had to have this guitar for some reason. i didn`t even play it yet. I just had that feeling...ya know. clothes/books/etc. infront of me in this small/cozy shop there was a piece of my life that was previously missing that i just couldnt pass it up, under any circumstances.
I was doing really well actually on the whole YOUR GONE lil bump in the road we got going here and i was occupying myself well indeed. (shows,old friends, chirs and his gayness, randy is over, new tile! lil fiesta but chris instigated it)
all was well untill i gazed at "Sprinkles" and everything lit up with you. i miss you paige. please come back soon....
YOU THINK YOUR SO COOL HUH CUZ YOUR IN FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HUH? FOR EASTER SPRING BREAK AND &#%@*% rihgt? jerkette ....yea? well...SOOO i got "joy ride" DVD/cadberry creme eggs/vanilla amber incense/jolyrancherjelybeans/earpluggs Easter Basket Biatch! WHAT DID YOU GET HUH? HUH? HUH?

hey paige do you think you can be a pal and correct this for me...uhhhh its for. uhhh Im teaching someone spanish...thats it
*Estoy muy nervioso con pajaro pero me encontalo*
(i am very nervous with bird but i love it)
merci <---damn i love that word

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12:57 pm - misc
pre dominant
time constraints
exploring the potential

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